Deepening

Sundry spiritual riches:

1. I took a walk with my "healer," assigned to me by the mystery school. She gave me a wide-brimmed hat to wear; the day was sunny and warm, and I'm pale. We walked and talked, then stopped, closed eyes, and breathed. She brought my awareness to my sacrum and occiput, to the length and fluidity of my spine. Gentle touch, lifting the skull, here. I picked up a stone shaped like the crescent moon. After the walk, water. Then I lay down on her massage table, and she took the measure of my heart.

2. I dreamt that my sister aimed a gun at me, but I shot her before she could shoot me. (Two thoughts about the dream: My sister, four years younger than me, has had breast cancer, and sometimes I feel I'm just waiting my turn; or, I will hurt myself before someone else can hurt me.)

3. The tarot deck my sister brought me from Italy sits on my altar. Incense smoke swirls around it. I'm preparing the deck to take with me this weekend, to visit my sister and her friends, to offer readings. I asked the deck to introduce itself to me. I drew a card: the Tower.

4. I dreamt that I had sex with my oldest cousin (a woman three years older than me, someone whose life choices I disdain). In the dream, I let her make love to me. Later she told her sister how selfish I am, how I take but never give. They discussed me and agreed. I woke feeling like my subconscious was trying to choke me: "don't change!"

5. Things are changing. The energy around me shifts. I open. I dive deep and breach the surface, sheets of water sliding off my skin.

6. On Sunday, the full moon rises in Scorpio. I'll be dancing at the reggae seder.