Heal this

I'm sure it's a lovely cosmic joke that as soon as I pledge to make my own healing a priority for the year, I run right up against the unwillingness, my own and others', to take steps toward healing.

I've been walking around for days churning with frustration at what I take to be the intractability, on the part of people around me, to changing their lives. All the while I know, at least in an intellectual way, that the anger I'm feeling is a projection of anger toward myself and my own intractability. That is, I turn my self-judgment into judgment toward others. Yeah, I do that, and I'm psyched, really, that at least I've learned to recognize that much. But what am I so angry about?

Tonight after hours spent hiding from myself, web surfing, mostly, and avoiding dinner in favor of junk food snacks, I went to the sink to do dishes (trying to get mad at Adonis that there were dishes to do, but I can't even take myself seriously, it's so clear I'm trying--and failing--to get mad at him when I simply want an object for my anger other than myself). Throwing the dishes around the kitchen, I touched the feeling of anger that had been masquerading as lassitude all evening, and then it came to me: I'm angry because I can't control these big, potentially life-changing events happening around me. I can't do a damn thing about my sister's cancer. I can't do a damn thing about our not getting what seemed like the perfect house; we did everything "right," and it still didn't happen, and no matter whose fault it is or isn't, there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I feel powerless about these big first-chakra issues--you know, survival, home, the little things--and then that feeling goes global: "clearly," my monkey mind chatters, "there's nothing you can do about anything. Not about your own health or comfort or well being, not about your work, not about your friends' struggles, not about the dying oceans. I mean, fuck you."

The obsessive narrative of my thought continues in its nastiest voice: "Clearly you can't heal yourself. What makes you think you can do anyone else one whit of good, let alone heal them? Look at you. You're a mess. You might as well give up. Here, have a doughnut and feel sorry for yourself." And so on, ad nauseam.

The point is not really about anyone's unwillingness to change. That's the voice of (self-)judgment speaking. My point here, if I have one, is to notice that (a) I made a pledge not three weeks ago to continue down the healing path and to focus on what it means to heal myself as I serve my healing apprenticeship, and (b) the first challenge given to me is to notice and experience what happens when life feels out of control. I couldn't be much further from feeling like a all-knowing, wise, powerful, beneficent, white light, earth mother, warm and fuzzy, peaches and cream healer. No, I feel like shit.

So now what?

Update: Oh yeah, and Pluto is square my natal Chiron and Mars. Ha!