Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Heal this

I'm sure it's a lovely cosmic joke that as soon as I pledge to make my own healing a priority for the year, I run right up against the unwillingness, my own and others', to take steps toward healing.

I've been walking around for days churning with frustration at what I take to be the intractability, on the part of people around me, to changing their lives. All the while I know, at least in an intellectual way, that the anger I'm feeling is a projection of anger toward myself and my own intractability. That is, I turn my self-judgment into judgment toward others. Yeah, I do that, and I'm psyched, really, that at least I've learned to recognize that much. But what am I so angry about?

Tonight after hours spent hiding from myself, web surfing, mostly, and avoiding dinner in favor of junk food snacks, I went to the sink to do dishes (trying to get mad at Adonis that there were dishes to do, but I can't even take myself seriously, it's so clear I'm trying--and failing--to get mad at him when I simply want an object for my anger other than myself). Throwing the dishes around the kitchen, I touched the feeling of anger that had been masquerading as lassitude all evening, and then it came to me: I'm angry because I can't control these big, potentially life-changing events happening around me. I can't do a damn thing about my sister's cancer. I can't do a damn thing about our not getting what seemed like the perfect house; we did everything "right," and it still didn't happen, and no matter whose fault it is or isn't, there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I feel powerless about these big first-chakra issues--you know, survival, home, the little things--and then that feeling goes global: "clearly," my monkey mind chatters, "there's nothing you can do about anything. Not about your own health or comfort or well being, not about your work, not about your friends' struggles, not about the dying oceans. I mean, fuck you."

The obsessive narrative of my thought continues in its nastiest voice: "Clearly you can't heal yourself. What makes you think you can do anyone else one whit of good, let alone heal them? Look at you. You're a mess. You might as well give up. Here, have a doughnut and feel sorry for yourself." And so on, ad nauseam.

The point is not really about anyone's unwillingness to change. That's the voice of (self-)judgment speaking. My point here, if I have one, is to notice that (a) I made a pledge not three weeks ago to continue down the healing path and to focus on what it means to heal myself as I serve my healing apprenticeship, and (b) the first challenge given to me is to notice and experience what happens when life feels out of control. I couldn't be much further from feeling like a all-knowing, wise, powerful, beneficent, white light, earth mother, warm and fuzzy, peaches and cream healer. No, I feel like shit.

So now what?

Update: Oh yeah, and Pluto is square my natal Chiron and Mars. Ha!


Angela Raincatcher said...

Oh, sister! I hear you. I call my personal whirlpool of negative, nasty thoughts "Charybis." It often asks me "who do you think you are..."

Keep noticing! I hear that eventually you move forward from that to doing something about it.

The J said...

Good for you! Noticing and accepting are the hugest hurdles, IMHO. My negative mind likes to jump between "you have no control over anything, trying is just depressing" to "if this works/if you do have control, then it's your own stupid fault you've been sick for so long" - damned if I do, and damned if I don't ;). Sometimes I just have to trust myself and climb back up on the horse. I've been doing some things long enough to know I feel better when I do them, just have to believe it one more hour/day/week.

I agree with Angela - sometimes it takes a while of being still and noticing, and then all of a sudden you have no problem with the execution part anymore!

Medusa said...

I don't know if this will help you, I hope it will but sometimes, as you know hoping doesn't make it so....Anyway, what you describe seems to be what could be an initiation of sorts. You embarked on a spiritual path, and BLAM! stuff gets in your way. Will you have the stamina to continue? Or will you give in to discouragement. (I know! It's not easy! I've been there--in fact, I'm there a good part of the time...). This is a sort of "testing" that often accompanies initiation.

About the house, it sounds soooo disappointing. On a practical level, I'm wondering if they know (or found out about) your spiritual path and decided they didn't want to sell this house to you? In any event, my experience has been that houses (and jobs--and I guess loves) have the largest element of "fate" (though I dislike the term) or "karma" or whatever you want to call it, of things we do in our lives. I could tell you a long story about the last house I bought, and what happened to bring me to it--at the right time and not before. But I will just say, and hope that it will be of some help, that you if that house eludes you it's because it's not really the right one for you. It's possible that in some way you're being protected (I know, that's not what it feels like...but still...) I hope you find the truly RIGHT house for you soon.

With sweet blessings...

Scrivener said...

Hey recognizing that you're doing all of this already puts you about a mile further along on your healing path than most anyone I know is. I don't know if you're all-knowing, but you still seem wise, powerful, beneficent, warm, and fuzzy to me. :)

Inanna said...

Thank you all for your kind comments. It helps so much to receive encouraging words from people who just happen to be passing through and reading, and who share a Pagan worldview. (And it helps to receive warm words from Pagan-friendly, non-Pagan friends, too.)

J, the reminder to trust myself is most welcome at a time when I'm clearly not trusting myself. Medusa, what you say about initiation rings true - we'll see! - and I love what you say about houses, fate, and protection. I would like to hear the story of buying your last house... Would you post it here or email me?

Blessings, all.

Jane said...

as a moderately-Buddhist ex-Catholic atheist pagan witch, I have to say that you cannot control the things that happen in the broader world (like my dad dying of ALS) but you can control your reaction to it (I refuse to treat him like a dying person, he's still my father). Peace to you & your sister: may you both be well, in soul if not in body.